Monday, July 09, 2018

Gloomy Monday

It is a Monday. Where everyone is still in a slow and gloomy mood to get back into something dreadful call work.

For some it is just another mundane and slow day to start the week. For some, this afternoon, they received news that a friend had bid them goodbye. Literally.

The person, which I do not know in person, was mentioned in so many of my Facebook feeds that I went to look him up.

Scrolling through his final feeds, I came across a live video he posted prior to embarking on his final journey. He was dressed up as presentable as he can be and trying his best to flash his best smile as he said his final goodbye on the live feed. He was visibly shaking and crying.

While watching the video, I cried.

By the time the live feed ended, he was mentally prepared and his choice was made.

Towards the end of his journey in life, he promised all his friends in the feed that he would want to leave the best of him for everyone. Shortly after his feed ended, as promised, he posted a picture of him flashing his final bright and happy smile; the best that he could muster from his state of mind and emotion at the time. It was how he wanted those who know him to remember him by, and it was beautiful.

If I was going, I sure would want people to remember me like that as well. Flashing my best smile at everyone and giving them my final reassurance that everything will be fine.

During his live feed, his friends were asking him to reflect and think about the people he would left behind, those he would hurt, about how his parents having a hard time bring him up and this is not the way he should repay them, about the things he could achieve in life, telling him how much he is making them worry, how he didn't give others a chance to understand him. While one said that he should look on the bright side of things, another said that "life goes on. Don’t be so sad!".

Well, I hate to be the asshole bearer of bad news but if I am going to end my life, the last thing I wanted to be reminded of would be who I left behind or how much I would hurt them. For you know, they might be what drove me to it in the first place. If "life" could go on and I could just throw away the "sadness", I wouldn't be so depressed now, would I?

So who am I to be talking shit judging his so-called friends when someone I don't even know has gone somewhere far away? Well, it's because I've been there.

When I popped those pills years ago, all I could think about is how much weight will be lifted once all these ended. I really couldn't and wouldn't be bothered about what you wanted me to achieve in life nor do I give two shits about your worries. I just wanted all of it to go away.

As you can read this post, it shows that I am alive still. I didn't go. Maybe it wasn't my time. Maybe the Gods felt that I should suffer even more before I go. But today, someone did went.

Depression is real. VERY real. Those who are around you might be smiling just for the sake of YOU. It's not because they are outgoing and really happy, they are just doing it for YOU, so that YOU could be happy. How would I know? Because I am doing that almost on a daily basis.

My life didn't end. But I am at a constant uphill battle of my own trying to fight away the demons.

Some of you who thought you knew me well enough might be thinking: "Nah, you're just being a drama queen." Or perhaps "that's not the person I know of", which goes to show how little you know about the person you call 'friend'.

Whenever someone question their value or worth in life, it's not for you to blast them with: "People like you who doesn't value your life doesn't deserve to live" (Yes, I've gotten this) or gives them religious quotes on how the Gods would punish them for taking their own lives (I've heard this one too), or how you will unfriend them if they joke about this (and this one too).

Whenever I am down, I don't need you to tell me: "Why are you always so moody?" or saying that it's definitely "another one" of my "mood swings".

And you think that I never try reaching out for help? When I told a family member years ago that I have depression, I constantly think of ending my life, and I think I might needed professional help, you know what was the answer? I was asked to snap out of it and everything is fine. Shortly after that, one fine night, I popped the pills.

Every time someone loss their fight to depression, I see people posting and saying that 'you should cherish the people around you because you never know when they're gonna go'. Question is: How many of you really do it? How many of you really saw the signs? Or is it during their final goodbye only you will realize that it is already too late?

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