Puzzle

[Note: What you are about to read might sound like a summary for the Malaysian version of "Melrose Place".]

Darrel once said that I am absurdly patient when it comes to love. Why absurd? Because I am able to look pass all the shitty things they do and forgive them for it, even if the bugger is in the wrong. You know what? He's right! I'm an idiot when it comes to relationship! I'll give the person my everything and hope that he does the same for me but in the end, I just ended up getting hut by the said person. Although I always say that I will not let anybody change me, I will still try to change myself for him.

Being in a relationship with Kenny for the past ten months really helped train my patience and control my temper. But like I always say: Just know that I'm a very patient person; don't try to test it.

Honestly, it's been a very crazy month. Work is not going all too smoothly, boss is giving me crap, magazine deadline was two days ago and the designers are still not done with the designs... But something kept me going: Kenny, after all the drama we went through in June, got a job in KL and moved in with me on the 8th of July. The week started out great. It's good to have someone to go home to everyday. Since he was out of a job for almost a month prior to this, him and his car are practically living off me these days.

Because it's Kenny's first day at work on Monday, I thought it would be nice to have a hearty dinner with him on Sunday evening, so we went to the Kuchai Lama Food Court and I ordered a table full of food – enough to feed 5 people, or more. Just when we are about to reach the dinner place, Kenny told me that Lilian will be catching the 12am bus over. When I asked why, he said that she's here to help him dye his hair. I didn't say anything. I just nodded and said ok. Lilian got to KL at 5am in the morning. Kenny and I dragged our sleepy arses out of bed and went to get her at Puduraya. She came, helped him do his hair, I went back to sleep. When Kenny woke me up, it was already 8am.

I messaged Kenny early in the morning to see how he's doing on his first day of work and all, and when he got off work, he stopped by my office to tell me how great his day at work was and even offered to send me home everyday, since our working hour ends almost about the same time. Happy? I felt like I'm the happiest man in the world. Yes, it's so very easy to make Jess happy.

Since Lilian got here early in the morning, her stuff were in my room. So after dinner, she followed me and Kenny back to my apartment to get her stuff and proceeded to ask Kenny to escort her to Verlyn's apartment block. I offered and asked if Kenny wanted me to accompany him and he said no. Since we haven't really slept the night before, I went straight to bed after they left.

Kenny woke me up around midnight. He was clearly sobbing when he crawled into bed. He then asked me if I really love him. I didn't answer the question. I had to ask him what happened for a couple of times before he asked me if I knew about him and Lilian. I said no.

I always knew that there was something going on between him and Lilian. When we first started our relationship, he asked if I would mind him having a very good girlfriend around and I said no. After all what are fag hags for? But ever since our relationship started, I began to notice that Kenny pays more attention to her and hangs out with her more than ever. Almost anything simple that I had to ask Kenny again and again, Lilian can get him to do it within a second. Whenever she's around, Kenny refuses to hold my hand, giving me the excuse that Lilian doesn't like him doing it in public. But whenever Kenny is with me, all we did was hold hands everywhere we went and we even kissed in public! So? Why do we have to hide it when Lilian's around?! The public never complained. Why is she?! Even my friends starting to doubt that she and Kenny are just "close friends", but I shrugged them off.

Kenny started explaining that when he broke off with me in June, he went out with Lilian, with hope that he would really fall for her and eventually turn straight. Realizing shortly after breaking up with me that he is unable to do it, Kenny begged for me to return to him, promising me that he will never ever do anything so stupid again. Of course, I didn't knew that he really did date her then. We spoke on the phone the whole night while I was in Genting. Then I asked if Lilian's parents knew that they were together and he said, yes. He told me that they found out "a few months ago". "A few months ago?! Didn't you just say that you two just started when we broke up in June?!" He kept quiet. I asked him a lot of questions. How he would feel if he were to be in my shoes? Would he forgive me? He said no.

We fought for about an hour about this. Then I saw my phone, which was on silent mode, ringing. It was Lilian. I answered. She asked how are things going with me and Kenny. And I said, not good. I really need to talk to her. So I asked for her to meet me by the pool and left the room.

We sat at the veranda near the pool and talked for more than 2 hours. It was the longest time I've ever spent talking to her. I found out that Kenny has been seeing her without my knowledge since December last year. Kenny even spent Valentine's Day with her and even took her for Valentine's Day dinner, when he told me that he was going home for dinner. He even got her a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers and a pair of platinum earrings! Me? I was alone in my JB home eating economy rice!!! Just that alone is enough for me to slap him silly and kick him out of the house!

She then proceeds to tell me that Kenny told her that it's her he loves. To make things worse, she told me that Kenny said that he's just using me. My heart sank straight to the bottom of the ocean. Is this is the same guy who I ordered imported DVD for during Christmas? Is this is the same guy that I spent all my savings when I was out of a job to buy him a wallet he was longing for for Valentine's Day? Is this the same guy who once gave me a lot of sweet memories? Heck, I don't even know if he's really the same guy I knew back in September last year!

She then asked when was the last time the two of us had sex. I told her: yesterday. She then told me that Kenny had told her that he hasn't had any relation with me since March, and that he has been giving me excuses not to do it. I am definitely certain those condoms-consuming five-times-a-night sessions for the past months are real!

In the end, we decided it's time we both talk to him and get the facts straight. We went back upstairs, woke him up and got to talking.

Apparently, since I wasn't supposed to know anything about their relationship, dealing with me was a walk in the park. But with her, he spun 101 lies. With the two of us there, he couldn't lie anymore. We ripped whatever that he was hiding from us into pieces. While we were doing this, all he could do was sit there quietly. When we were done, he told us that all the while, he wanted to go back on the straight path, because he doesn't want to disappoint his parents. So when I had a fight with him in December, his relationship with Lilian got closer and they eventually got together, without my knowledge. Both of them hid this from me.

I'm really what was going through his mind when he was consoling me, when i hit depression in January. Did he do it because he really loves me? Or did he do it out of guilt?

When I got the job offer in KL and was about to move, he told me that he would help me move. But it ended up that it was Verlyn who took time off work and helped me move. I can now clearly see what he busy with then. When I left JB, I cried my eyes out. My landlady was out of town, and my boyfriend didn't even send me off. I took a cab to the bus terminal and got myself a one-way ticket out of town.

I thought that things are definitely going to be over for the both of us. I can't remember what happened but Kenny and I got closer towards the end of April. And for Labors Day, I went back to JB to see him, as well as visit my landlady. My dear landlady was kind enough to offer me a place to stay but since I got there late I stayed over at his place during the first night but Lilian was told that I was never at his place. At the time they were already a couple. Even Kenny's parents knew about this. When Greg, Verlyn, Kenny, Lilian and I went clubbing that weekend, Kenny was supposed to send me back but it ended up that Greg sent me back because Kenny told me that he was drunk and couldn't drive and insisted that Lilian drove her home, which usually it was me who is the designated driver. I was pissed that night. I now found out that apparently, Lilian forbids him to send me back that night. And after I kissed Kenny goodnight, I was told that Lilian wiped his lips clean, saying that it's for "sanitary purposes".

I stopped going to JB in after May because of Kenny's decision to break up with me and I didn't notice this until someone told me that Kenny posted a blog entry about me. On June 10, I guess he couldn't handle the silence anymore, Kenny smsed me. So I called him to see if he's ok, which he obviously isn't. But still, he never mentioned that he wanted to get back together until 15 June, when I went to Genting with a friend of mine.

*****************************

When asked of what was really going through his mind, he told us that when he broke up with me, he really meant the words he said, that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Soon after breaking up with me, he realized that he couldn't swing for the other party, so he begged for forgiveness and got back with me.

He told us that he wanted to break it off with Lilian the minute we got back together but didn't have the guts to do it. Because he felt that he was using Lilian all along and really didn't know how to face her with the truth. So days turned into weeks and into month, and there we were. Lilian is dead pissed at Kenny for lying to her all these while. I am raging mad at hime for suddenly going bi-curious, when he kept saying that he despise bisexuals! (Of course, I am also angry of the fact the cheated on me with another!)

Piecing the puzzle together, my conclusion was that whether I like to admit it or not, I love this selfish prick! There is no guarantee that he won't go behind my back again and there certainly is no guarantee that we will be able to be together forever. At this time, I ask: What would Darrel do? Darrel would probably rip off his head, put it in a juice extractor, boil the brain juice and feed the pulp to pigs, before chopping his body into pieces and use it as zoo animal food. Then again that's Darrel.

As much as I would want to lift my hand and slap him, I couldn't. Heck, I can't even remember when I last slapped anyone. I wanted to chase him out of the house so badly but I really don't have the heart to do it. Melvin said that I'm too kind. Am I? I'm not even sure if this is an act of kindness, sympathy, or love. Although I don't know how many days of this 10-month relationship did he really love me, but I do know that prior to finding all these out, I really do love him with all my heart.

Does he still deserve to be loved? No.

Do I still love him? Yes.

Should I give him another chance? I'm not sure... and I don't know. I'm really don't want to be hurt again at the end of the day.