The first death I experienced was that of my aunt. I was really young. In fact, too young to remember anything about it. But when my grand uncle passed away, I was older and I felt it. I couldn't understand why it had to happen to him. What wrong did he do to deserve it? I couldn't comprehend. I remember me and Mom crying in my room the day he was cremated.
When I was 19, I lost my grandfather. All I could feel was: numb. I didn't react to anything at all. I remember my brother waking me up in the middle of the night telling me that he had passed on. Mom's eyes are already wet with tears. Knowing the seriousness of his illness, Dad was already staying with my grandparents at the time to care for him. I knew I had to be strong for the family. I drove as fast as I possibly could. We never speak a word throughout the whole journey. My noisy brother, for the first time, was actually quiet throughout the 2-hour drive. I remember seeing tears rolled down Mom's face every now and then.
My grandfather had passed away at home. When we got there, I smelled death for the first time in my life. The air in the house was so still. Everybody seems to be talking in whispers. I guess Death not only takes lives away but also quite people down.
My brother and I sat out until dawn the first two nights of the funeral service. I remember him asking me if I see my grandfather anywhere. I didn't.
I didn't as much as shed a tear during the three-day funeral service. That is, until the day we sent him to the crematory. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I cried the mother lode.
Yesterday, I was informed by Irene that our grandfather was admitted to the hospital. I knew this day was coming when we were told by the doctors that his heart is slowing down, I just never knew there was more to it. When I called my aunt, she was crying on the phone. I was told that my grandfather had been diagnosed with third stage liver cancer. With his heart condition and the seriousness of the cancer diagnosis, we know that it could only mean one thing.
I couldn't help but think that this "life" business is really strange: One minute you could be munching on a fishball and the next you might be laying in the morgue because you choked on the damn thing!
Since the time will come sooner or later, and it's inevitable, I guess we'll have to look on the brighter side of things and think of it as a peaceful and everlasting sleep. Of course, we all know that "sleep" is just a euphemism for "you're so dead" and/or "you're about to become worm food"...
"Life is short. Get a divorce!"
- jessism © 29072008 -
2 comments:
Death used to be something so distant for me when I was younger. My mother never used to allow me and my siblings to go to funeras for fear we would not know hoe to act. But things have changed a lot since then. The first funeral I went to was my uncle - it was painful for us because he was much beloved.
I was by my grandfather's bedside when he passed away, and last summer again by my grandmother's when she passed away too.
If there is anything I took from this is the fact that I never ever want to die alone in a hospital without anyone by my side.
I think at the end of the day, no one would want to die alone. I know wouldn't want that.
Although it would be painful to watch someone you love fade away, I'm sure it would be reassuring for them to have the people they love accompanying them at their very last moment in life... knowing that he/she will be missed and remembered by all.
Post a Comment