Saturday, June 30, 2007

Buses

Buses. The most common public transport here in Malaysia. Definitely a better alternative compared to the taxi cabs, which takes you for a joyride and charge you a bomb for it. Ever since I was a kid, the first thing that my mom tought me about public transports is how to take the bus, and most importantly – always remember to thank the driver/conductor when you alight. I know, it sounds like an American/Mat Salleh thing to do, but it's a form of courtesy! But unfortunately, the chances of us Malaysians thanking our bus drivers is close to zero. Even in Singapore I've seen people thanking the drivers. But in Malaysia? No.

As times goes by, conductors are now being replaced by cash/card machines. Now buses only have one driver and that's about it. The frequency of me taking buses also decrease. I have to admit, sometimes I would just alight the bus without thanking the driver. Yes, sometime, I forgot about it. But sometimes, I just chose not to. But can you blame me? It's not that we Malaysians are rude or anything. Sometimes the drivers really don't deserve to be thanked!

Ever since I move back to KL three months ago, I've been taking the Rapid Kl buses quite frequently. RM2 for a one-day pass sounds reasonable doesn't it? During the weekend, I always got on to this bus that an old uncle drove. From my observation, the uncle greeted almost every boarding passenger with a smile or a nod, which gave me the impression of: WOW! The service has really improved big time! It kinda reminded me a lot of Australia. Everytime I see that uncle, I would definitely scream a loud thank you before I alight.

Anyways...

Yesterday, having a k-date with Melvin, Kim, David, and Verlyn at Sg Wang, I left work right on the dot. Went home to shower and headed out to catch a bus over. I think it was around 6.35pm, or so, when the bus arrived. Everything started out fine. It is the first time I actually see Malaysians queuing to get on a bus instead of the usual pushing and shoving! As we got on the bus, people started showing their tickets to the driver and got on. When it came to me, I was the first to have to pay. So I dunk all my coins into the box and waited for the driver to issue me and ticket. Instead, the driver was staring fiercely at me and went: "How much did you put in there?!" Normally, I wouldn't mind a question like this, but the dude was almost screaming at me.

"Two ringgit?" The guy then proceeds to ask me in a very rude manner: "How can I be sure?! If didn't see how much you put in! That doesn't count!" I'm like, what the fuck?! For those of you who took buses previous, you should know that after you slot the money in, there is a transparent plastic that the driver can see the money that is put in. And this guy was just being a prick! He then asked me to: "I can't give you a ticket. I can't be sure! Go to the back first!"

I swear to god, I almost screamed out the F-word!

Since there were other people behind me and passengers who boarded the bus earlier were already starring at the hoo-haa that was going on. I obliged. I really didn't know what to do then. I paid for my ticket but I wasn't issued any ticket! Since I don't have any small change left on me, I was really pissed and worried at the same time.

More passengers boarded from the same stop. Then another commotion happened. A girl boarded with a RM5 note. Since the person before her didn't exactly slot their RM1 note in very well, you could still see the note hanging out a little. The girl in a very polite manner told the driver that she needed a RM1 change for her RM5 note, as there were two of them. At this point, anyone sane would know to take the RM1 note that was hanging on the slot, give it to her and move on to the next passenger. What the driver did instead was he shoved the RM1 note in every offensively and shouted at the girl. "No change!" At this point, everyone in the bus was already giving a what-the-fuck look at the driver. The girl looked lost. Very lost, in fact. In my mind, the whole thought I had about KL buses had their service improved just went straight down the drain!

At the next stop, another incident happened. I was still standing close in front, so I noticed everything. A group of people came up and this time, a guy boarded with two RM5 notes and he wanted to pay for four people. The driver could've handled this in a very polite manner but again, he fucked it up. The guy, which I think is a foreigner (probably Indon or Pilipino), passed the two notes to the driver and told him that it's for four person and wanted change. The driver, shoved the notes in the slot, and told him "tarak tukar!" (No change!)

He then proceeds to add: "Kalau you nak tukar, tunngu orang lain naik baru ambik kat dia orang! Pergi masuk dalam!" (If you wanted change, wait for other people to board and get it from them! Now go inside!)

Is that even the way they were trained to say?! Isn't it their job to collect the change from other boarding passengers and pass it instead of asking someone to stop passengers from slotting in money?!

At that point, I was really pissed. All I wanted to do is to call someone to complain about this asshole's attitude! But there weren't any number stated anywhere, which I could call. Then my pissed-off-writer mode sets in. You don't fuck around with a writer and gets away with it!

The minute I got off the bus, I took a picture of the bus' car plate number and wrote a complain email to Rapid KL!

The dude is probably having a bad day, or lacking sex. Whichever it is, you are still not allowed to take it out on the passengers! We are paying for the service and we do expect at least some courtesy out of it, if not great driving skills. The dude drove as if everyone on the road cursed his mother, or raped his sister. He honked. He cursed. Thank god there weren't any Mat Salleh on board to witness all this. I could only imagine what they are going to tell their friends and family when they get back. "Malaysian bus drivers are very rude and reckless!"

I really do hope this asshole gets punished! Someone should put this bastard through anger management or revoke his license... or both!

- jessism (c) 30062007 -

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Closet

I got out of it years ago. The thing is, I once promised myself that I would not date someone who is still in it, as I foresee the circumstances and problems that would arise. But this is Malaysia. Who's in and who's out anyway? So far, after all these years, I only met ONE (1) person who is man enough to tell his parents that he's gay. Worse, he's the only son! Did the parents disown him? No. That's besides the point. My point is, what are the odds of me finding and dating one who is not in the closet?

Dating someone who is still in, I slowly see that my speculations are not exactly speculations after all. They're all true.

Talking to a friend, who is still in the closet, I asked him why didn't he come out to his parents. The answer I got was that "it is not easy to see your parents getting hurt." But it's ok if the person is your other half?! I really don't get it. Over and over again, I felt like I was an outsider in this relationship. Since his family will never even find out that we are a couple, my existence will never be acknowledged. But that's not all, whenever it comes to choices, I will always hold the lowest of all priority. Since my parents were informed of long ago, the person I date doesn't have to go through the stress and awkwardness that I'm going through. The thing that ticks me off the most was his closeted identity seems to always be the reason for him not being able to do the simplest of things for me. (It's either that or his family.) Not only am I starting to feel that I am under-appreciated, I also felt like a mistress.

I know most gay relationships are like this. But I didn't work so hard to come out of my closet to live a life that is as though I never came out in the first place. Shouldn't the happiness between the two of us be more important than that constant living in fear?

My friend told me his solution was "to move to other city, try not to stay with family, and give thousand of excuses not to get married." So if the solution is so easy, why can't this person see it? Sigh... Why must all things be made so complicated?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Abstinence?!

Picking up The Star paper during lunch, I came across an interesting article. Here's what it is about:

Pledge Of Honour
More young people are having sex, and starting earlier, too. One group is out to stop this trend.

Stories by S.S. YOGA

VIDEO is a powerful medium especially for the younger generation. They are, after all, the MTV generation, who have been raised on a diet of quick, punchy infotainment. And everyone knows that they would more readily listen to their peers than their parents or other adults, who may come across as being preachy.

Joshua Liong: ‘Our message is one of abstinence.’


[The minute that "a" word is mentioned, you've lost your targeted readers! And I've probably lost 50% of my readers!]

So, if a Malaysian teenager or young adult were to hear another youth (albeit an American) talking about his personal experience on video, it would have more impact, right?

And that experience could be about physical intimacy – as the video shown is part of a No Apologies workshop facilitated by Focus on the Family (FOTF). FOTF was founded in the United States in 1977. FOTF Malaysia was set up in 1988. The No Apologies programme was established in the United States in 1998 and took off in this country in 2003, with a youth group in Petaling Jaya being the first batch of workshop participants.

“We started out with colleges – and we are still active in some of them – where it is part of the curriculum. Our message is one of abstinence. Before the video (is shown), we explain what certain key words that keep coming up mean, as viewers might not be familiar with them. Words like abstinence, STD, pre-marital sex,” explains FOTF Malaysia’s curriculum manager, Joshua Liong Ta Shing.


[The words that Joshua Liong needs to be exposed to: SEX and ONS! And a famous video genre: 'porn'.]

In a nutshell, the programme advocates abstinence from sex, until marriage. Programme participants pledge to say nobye to sex till marriage and to remain faithful to their marriage partner.

[Another word they need to learn: DIVORCE. And something certain religion allows: POLYGAMY. Besides, what's going to stop a hormone raging teenager from havig sex? Are they going to put on a chastity belt on all the participants and throw away the keys? Or promote self-pleasuring over having sex? Also, what's going to happen when this group of people who took the pledge broke it?! It's not like the others in the group is going to know about it! Even if they do, so what?! Are they going to get the penis off, or pour cement into the vagina?!]

According to Liong, participants comes from various backgrounds, religions and races. (The programme does not touch on religion but stresses the consequences of not taking the pledge.) FOTF was commissioned by the Education Ministry to conduct the workshops in schools. There are also workshops for colleges and other community or social groups.

[So what ARE the consequences?! Why is it not mentioned here?! Is it just me or does something really smell fishy here?]

For the latter, the programme module has not changed much since its inception, although there are now seven instead of six units. The workshop is conducted over two days, and participants are charged a nominal fee. For schools, the workshop is condensed into six hours and conducted on a normal school day.

“No parents are allowed to accompany their children while the workshop is being conducted. Initially some parents were not comfortable with that so we explained that if they were there, their children might not be comfortable and (would) not open up and be honest about their feelings and expectations,” reveals Liong.


[Are they going to do a mass hypnosis on the participants or something like that? Or brainwash them?]

The course workbook is available in three languages: Bahasa Malaysia, English and Chinese. It is used at the workshop to gauge the participants’ response to various situations.


[Course workbook?! You have got to be kidding me!! What is the workbook going to be filled with?! Pictures of how people NOT have sex?! Or instructions on how to pleasure yourself when you have an urge for sex?! I can just visualize it! An anti-Kama Sutra!]

“Sex can be defined in many ways by different people, so we help them understand what it all means and the impact of having sex before marriage, and the consequences. We look at pregnancies, and sexually transmitted diseases, with focus on HIV and AIDS. We also say that using contraceptives is beside the point and that there is also a psychological and emotional price to pay. There is no such thing as ‘safe’ sex. We talk about peer pressure and self-respect, and how it’s better to say no to a boyfriend or girlfriend than to lose your self-respect,” adds Liong.


[Impact of having sex before marriage? More experience in bed and more control of ejaculation time (for men). It is also known as PRACTICE! Go get a dictionary, please!]

[Just when we are trying to fucking hard to promote safe sex, this idiot is out educating the youth of tomorrow about having "no such thing as safe sex"! Get a brain! Even people who abstain from sex can get HIV/AIDS! Things this idiot needs to learn: blood transfusion, drug addicts, needle sharing, born with HIV!!]

He says that they don’t use fear but give participants the facts and the skills to handle the issue. They also look at how movies and TV shows portray sex as part of the culture of youth and that it is acceptable.

Participants then undertake a lot of role-playing and use the new information in projects, such as poster making.


[Right... "role playing" at an abstinence group....]

While the programme does not discourage dating, its definition of dating is different from what is widely understood. “There should be not any form of physical intimacy, not even hugging or kissing, as that could lead to further physical affection. And we only encourage dating in groups, not as a couple,” states Liong firmly.


[So let me get this straight. You are allowed to date but there "should not be any form of physical intimacy"?! Is it just me who sees the potential of having an increase in sex crime?!]

[And what nonsense is this "dating" but NOT a "couple" thing? Are they promoting open relationship now?!]

At the end of the workshop, participants are given a pledge card (the size of a credit card). It has two portions: one for an adult to endorse and the other for the participant to keep.

Post-programme monitoring is not carried out but if participants have any problems, they are encouraged to contact FOTF.


[Do you know what this sounds like? A support group almost similar to SAA. Sexual Addicts Anonymous! That's what the participants from this group is going to join if they abstain far too long from sex!]

(The workshops are open to those aged between 12 and 24. For more information, visit FOTF’s website at XXXXXX.XXX.XX or call XX-XXXXXXXX. The FOTF is having a Youth Abstinence Walk today at Millenium Park in SS2, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, from 9.30am to 12.30pm. All are welcome to join in.)


Abstinence walk?!

A very wise friend of mine once told me that "it's NOT pre-marital sex if you don't plan to get married." And I so very totally agree with her! That's not pre-marital sex! It's call PRACTICE! What happens if you're too nervous during your very first "first time" and you have a premature ejaculation?! To prevent situations like this from happening, practice does make perfect!

Ash once told me that abstinence is just an excuse for people who can't get laid. So if the saying holds any truth in it, it means to say that this is just a group for a bunch of losers.

The thing with this abstinence nonsense is that there are tons of loopholes. Abstinence is NOT going to prevent STD and abstinence is definitely NOT going to prevent HIV/AIDS! Get a brain, people!

The way I see it, this is what going to happen to those who join this group:

Situation 1:
Since the group is joined by a bunch of hormone-raging teens, they are going to end up of screwing each other at the end of the day and break the pledge.

Situation 2:
Those who joined this group will soon regret taking the pledge and wanted out! The only thing is, they only tell yu how to join. The fine print of how you will never be able to leave the group is not clearly stated.

Situation 3:
The participants who take on the pledge, especially the guys, will end up being unfaithful bastards/sluts or sex addicts! Why? After pending up that much sexual energy, once they have the taste of the forbidden fruit, they are sure to want more. The next group I'm foreseeing that these people will join in the future: SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous).

Honestly, I don't see how this thing is going to work. It's really strange how the Malaysian government are approving this. A bunch youth who supposedly has NO sort of sexual experience whatsoever are allowed to gather and talk about sex without the presence of any adult?! Isn't this like the blind leading the blind?! Even if it's an "experienced" adult conducting the course, how "pure" is this person? You can't preach when you're not a follower, right? But how know do we know that this person is doing what he/she preaches?

I'm no virgin no more and the way I see it? Life is short. Live it! Don't waste time abstaining. For all you know, you might die tomorrow and regret not having the chance of doing "it". Live life without regret! Just remember to play it safe!

To end this posting, I'd like to quote a line from a Baz Lurhman movie:
"Vivir con miedo, es como vivir a medias!"
(life lived in fear is a life half-lived)

- jessism © 26072006 -

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Coffee Hangover

With deadline coming close every second and the work pressure building up. I decide that it would be wise to leave work on the dot while I could before OT week starts next week. So I left the office at 5pm sharp, and took a bus and went to Mid Valley and meet up with David, who was already there since lunch time! (Let's just put it this way: Whenever he's on leave, GSC makes big bucks!)

Since it's the last week "200 Pound Beauty" is showing, we decided to catch the 7pm show. (Magnificent movie! A definate must-watch!) When we got into the cinema hall, we couldn't believe our eyes. The hall is more than 90% full! The movie is about to end its run and it's still getting such great response! Can you believe it?!

After the movie, as we still have about 3 hours to kill before time for the last bus. The both of us headed to Coffee Bean for a drink and a quick gossip session. I dunno whether it's a gay thing, we managed to sit at Coffee Bean for more than 2 hours talking about... well... NOTHING! I dunno whether it's the coffee taking its effect on me, or what. I really don't remember much of what we talked about!

For those of you who doesn't already know. Coffee is like sleeping pill + alcohol to me. I can get knock out by a packet of mamak kopi-O ais for two days and wake up with a very bad hangover the day after. Since I wasn't getting much sleep for the past few days, I decided that a cup of Ice Blended Mocha would be able to help me sleep better. I really have no idea what I am getting myself into.

The session at Coffee Bean went by so fast, I felt like I didn't even have enough time to warm the chair up! Then it happened. As I was walking towards to he bus stand, I could feel that my head appears to be heavier than I used to be. While I was waiting for the bus at the bus stand, I was already leaning on a nearby tree. When I got on the bus I could barely get my eyes to stay open. When I got home, I quickly rushed into the washroom, brushed my teeth, took a quick shower and I don't really remember much of what happened after that.

I remember hearing the alarm on my phone ringing this morning super loud, as compared to any other morning. And I have a very bad headache. The world is still spinning around. I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep. When the alarm rang again, I really have the urge to throw the damn thing out of the window! I head felt like it was going to explode. I dragged myself out of bed, went into the washroom, took out my toothbrush, laced it with toothpaste, walked back out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in my mouth, and I went back to bed. Attempting to brush my teeth and sleep at the same time. (Kids, don't try this at home.)

The morale of this story? Don't try to brush your teeth while lying in bed. You might will choke on your toothbrush!

(Note To Self: No more coffee!...unless it's a Friday night.)

- jessism © 26062007 -

Friday, June 22, 2007

I'm Gay!

For those of you who don't already know, here it is:

I
AM
GAY!

There! You've heard it from me! Happy now?! Just in case, for those of you who are still not clear:-

Yes, I REALLY am gay!

Yes, GAY! As in, the kind who have sex with other men.

No... I have not slept with another girl. And NO!! I don't intend to "do it" with one anytime in the near future, or ever!!

And girls, I'm GAY, which mean NOTHING will ever happen between us! So stop fantasizing about the day that you will be able to bend me the other way around! Let's put it this way: Fatty tissues on the chest just don't appeal to me as much as a sausage at the groin!

Yes, my parents know that I'm gay and they took the news quite well. Thank-you-very-much. They didn't freak and they didn't object to it. My mom even said that as long as I am happy, she'll be happy for me. (I love you, mom)

Yes, I have a boyfriend. I'm serious! I have a boyfriend! Not girlfriend?! Which part of the word "HOMOSEXUAL" don't you understand?!

Yes, I admit. As gay and out as I am, I sometimes chose not to disclose my sexual preference to some, especially those at my work place. The simple reason is because I think that my sexual preference has nothing to do with what I'm capable of. If a straight man can manage this position, so can I. The most important thing is: I do not wish for people who don't know me well to judge me based on my sexual preference before they get to know me as who I am, which most of my friends might tell you is worse than me being a homosexual.

I don't mean to sound so mean to anyone in this posting but I really need to get this out of my system.

Today, I was told by a friend that one of my ex-colleague is outing me to my other ex-colleagues. Worse part is, I'm not the only person she out! She proceeds to name some other gay colleagues I used to have there! Not that I mind about her outing me but the thing is: Yes, I am out and all, but not all of my friends are! (Don't ask me which of my friends are and which of my friends aren't. Unless they choose to tell you themselves, I have no intention of outing them for your knowing pleasure...)

This person used to be someone I thought I could trust. But not only did she betray me again and again, she's now stirring up something which is completely none of her business! So people in my previous workplace now know that we're gay! So what?!

Here's a message for her: MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! You have no right to out anyone of us! If you can't fit in, get the hell out! Quit your fucking job! Betraying people's trust is NOT going to get you anywhere, biatch! So now the whole workplace knows that we're gay! Yay! What now?! Are they going to present you with the "MOST LIKELY TO BETRAY PEOPLE'S TRUST" award, or some shit like that?! Well, for your sake, they better be! Cause congratulations, you just lost a string of friends!

- An Agitated Homosexual ©22062007 -

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Genting (III): Death Ride

Jess can be pretty stupid at times. All my friends can tell you about it.

Forgetting that my friend drove us up to Genting, I woke up the next day regretting my decision. How am going to get down of Genting without getting on the Skyway?!

For those of you who don't already know, I have a serious case of acrophobia, so hanging on a wire in an enclosed space in mid air isn't exactly my kind of travel choice! But what else can I do? I can't just hike my way down Genting! On my way to the Skyway, I was praying hard for the mountain spirits to protect me and provide me a safe journey down. Here's a few facts about the Genting Skyway that you might not know of: According to its official website, the 3.38km journey from Gohtong Jaya all the way up to Genting takes only 11 minutes. Travelling at the maximum speed of 6 meters per second, the Genting Skyway is the fastest in the world! Here's an excerpt of what the site say about Genting Skyway:

TRULY A SKYHIGH EXPERIENCE
Feel your senses come alive when you ride the thrilling Genting Skyway up to Genting - City of Entertainment

As comforting as and exciting this might sound, my ride down from Genting felt like a "Fear Factor" moment. I shared the gondola with two other teenagers. The ride started out well. The kids were oohing and aahing about how beautiful every looked with the mist, while I watched Kylie's concert on my iPod, when it happened. All of us heard a weird and loud hum. Before I could look up to see what is going on, the whole gondola started to vibrate, as if an earthquake hit. The thing was over in about 15 seconds. I overheard one of the kid asking his friend what just happened and the friend said he doesn't know.

I tried not to think too much and tried my best to focus my attention back on Kylie. The kids started chatting again. Without any warning, the gondola suddenly vibrates again, this time, worse! The gondola started swaying! One of the kid uttered the forbidden phrase: "Is this thing going to drop?" "I don't know," said the friend. The gondola vibrated for a good 30 seconds (or more) but to me it felt like forever. We could feel that the vibe slowly fades away as the gondola moves on.

Just when we're still shocked by the swaying and the vibration, the radio suddenly comes on. "(static)come to Genting (static) (static) (static) please sit back and (static)joy the (static). If the (static)ops (static) (static) (static). We (static) you (static) (static)" All I could interprete the message into was: Welcome to Genting's Death Ride. Please sit back and enjoy the scare. If the gondola drops from the wire. We hope you die peacefully.

As if trying to reassure himself and his friend, one of them said, "I'm sure we're about to reach." I looked out the window and saw the we've reached the Gohtong Jaya horse ranch. The kid wasn't just saying it. We're safe at last! That was by far the scariest Skyway ride I had! I know we've all heard of scary Genting Skyway rumors that there have been cases where the gondola dropped and people were killed. But since a certain rich and powerful man owns the place, the news never hit the papers. I've had my doubts in rumors like that but after taking that ride, I believe it!

(Note to self: NO MORE Genting Skyway Ride! I'll rather hike up the hill than to have my life threatened this way!)

jessism © 21062007

Genting (II): Clausula

Backing the timline to earlier that morning. Kenny called while I was still asleep. I couldn't remember what was the reason he called but he sounded surprise to find that I'm still in bed. I told him I took the day off so that I could go Genting with my friend. He didn't sound happy at all after hearing the news. It hurts to hear him that way but I've promised myself that I need to control my emotions before he makes a decision.

A few minutes later, I received an SMS from Kenny telling me that he was about to buy bus ticket to come see me in KL that very day and he was thankful that he learned about me going to Genting before he did that. My heart aches. But since my friend is already on his way from Singapore, and he already had this trip all planned out since the begining of the week, it would be rude to cancel on him. So I stuck to the plan and went to Genting with him.

On the way up, Kenny called again. He sounded clearly sad and down. At that point, I really wanted to drop everything and take the next bus out to see him. Even though Kenny didn't say that he wanted me back, and I wasn't up to anything no good, I felt like a cheating boyfriend. I started thinking if I should leave Genting early next morning.

Worried about Kenny, I text to check if he's alright and I learned that he's not happy with me going off to Genting with someone he doesn't know. At that point, I made up my mind to go back the next morning.

Not long later, I got an SMS from Kenny: Can I have my puppy back? I made a wrong decision. Can the mouse get his puppy back? I almost cried. Mouse promise won't simply dump puppy anymore cos mouse really need the puppy badly.

As reluctant my replies to him were, my heart kept telling me: If he changes his mind, it's all your fault! We continue messaging each other back and forth for the next few hours. Kenny called later that night, right after I finish paying respect to the spirits of the mountain. We talked on the phone for more than three hours and managed to get everything off our chest.

There was a time where I really don't get what the fuss was about when Renee Zellweger uttered that magic phrase in "Jerry Maguire". Now I do. He had me at "Hello".

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Genting (I)

It's been ages since I last went to Genting. So when a friend offered to take me to the City Of Entertainment for the weekend, I agreed without even thinking twice about it. Since I was under the weather, I thought that it would be the chance for me to get away from things.

Genting, as I remembered it to be, is nothing but traffic jam, congested queue at the Skyway, and hours of wait before you can check in to the hotel. As I said, it's been ages since I last went to Genting. The trip from KL to Genting is faster than I remembered it to be. My friend and I left KL around 3pm, and there wasn't any jam on the way up. Everything was smooth. We even managed to check in by 5.30pm!

The thing with taking a trip with your friend is that you will manage to see their true colors. And my friend slowly reveals his. It took him almost half an hour and a lot of commotion behind the recption counter before we could get a room. He was polite enough to ask me to sit and wait for him while he checked us in, so I didn't exactly heard what was going on behind the counter. When we got to our room, I asked him about it and I was told that when he booked the room, he requested for a non-smoking floor but as the rooms are all full, we were given a room at a smoking floor. So he wasn't happy about it. Ok, this I can accept.

He then proceeded to ask me if I know that some of the rooms in Genting are haunted. I'm not sure if it's a ploy to get me hugging him tightly in the middle of the night or for the sake of conversation, I answered yes, but I didn't tell him that I could see them. Then he said that another reason why it took him so long during the check-in was because he asked to speak with the manager and requested for a room which is NOT haunted, saying that "they know" which room is haunted and which is not. (If I were to be the manager in charge at that very moment, I would purposely choose a haunted room alreday, at this point!) Happy that he got a room which is persumeably NOT haunted, he started bragging about how he would always do this (ie: requsted to be served by the manager in charged) everytime he comes to Genting. I started pumping the volume on my iPod up.

After putting our bags down, i was told that he had to rush over to Genting Hotel to help his friends check in, as they are driving down from Penang after work and are not able to reach Genting Highlands before the check-in time ends, which is fine by me. But instead of taking a few steps walk over to Genting Hotel for the check-in, he proceeds to pick up the phone and asked the reception to pass him to Genting Hotel's check-in and reservation counter. As I was busy taking in the scenery from the window, (see picture above, we can actually see the whole of Genting from that room), I overheard his phone conversation, which went a little bit something like this:

"Hi I'm name is So And So, I have a booking with you all. My world card number is XXYYYZZ. I'm at First World Hotel right now and I don't think I can make it over to check-in by X:XXpm. Can you help me hold the room?"

"Yes. But Can you please look into your computer system and check if that room is still avaialble. I don't want to walk all the way there and you guys telling me that the room is no longer there!"

"No. Just look into your computer and check first!"

And at that point, the person on the other side hung up on him, which I would also be doing the same if some prick called me on the phone and talk to me that way! He started complaining to me about the crappy service that he's getting and picked up the phone, asking for Genting Hotel once again. I got into the washroom, locked my self in, and pumped up the volume on my iPod. Two songs later, when I got out, the phone conversation was over. As we headed to check-in for his friends at Genting Hotel, I prayed hard that those people wouldn't give his friends a haunted room for the rude lecture my friend just gave them.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dinner, thankfully, went well without further drama. Since I don't usually bathe right after dinner, i told my friend that I wanted to go for a walk. Immediately, the dude suggested the casino! Walk? Casino?! Sigh... I told myself: since you're not paying a single cent for this trip, you're not allowed to complain, so I went along anyway.

The casino was a bore. People throwing chips on the betting table like it's rubbish, dealers happily raking in the 99% of the chips, countless number of people chain smoking; it's the perfect setting for a modern day opium house! I left my friend behind and snugged out of the casino 5 minutes later.

Genting has changed to much, even Ms Liberty and Sir Oscar are now permenant residece there! The indoor theme park is now bigger and looks much more interesting and safer than the seemingly poorly maintained outdoor rides. The air outside is comfortably cold, reminding me of my vacation in Australia.

Reeking of ciggratte smoke, I went back to the casino and asked to have the keys to the room. My friend already got himself a seat at the betting table and is reluctant to leave, so I went back alone for my shower. On the way back, I reminded myself that I haven't and should go pay respect to the spirits of the place after my shower.

Back in the room, as I was taking my shower and comtemplate whether to inform my friend that the room is not as clean as he thought it to be, one of them tried to play with the necklace I left on the basin and accidentally dropped it.

The guy deserves a lesson. So I decided to keep my mouth shut.

- jessism © 19062007 -

Monday, June 11, 2007

Clausula

When I learned that I'm gay, and what that word actually meant, I thought the hardest part would be to come out to your friends and family. The of course there's the part on how the society would see you.

But I had it easy. Coming out to my family was a walk down the park. As for the society? Why should I care? They're not the boss of me!

I've recently learned that the hardest thing being gay is the uncertainty that lies ahead. Shit happens when you're gay. Things that you wouldn't expect. Kids in school who are slightly sissy (as compared to other boys), are called names, teased on, and even bullied. Then there's also chances that you might be beaten up by gay bashers. In Malaysia, there's no discrimination law protecting homosexuals. With the odds against people like us, most prefer to stay in the closet.

When I first broke up with my first ex, I told myself I would never date another paranoid closet case. Dating someone who is constantly afraid that a friend of a friend of a friend might see us going out for a movie or a meal is just too taxing.

With my second, he is closeted but at least not a paranoid case like the first. But not long into our relationship, not only did he told me that someday he will get married if the parents wanted him to, he also cheated on me. Needless to say, we broke up. Then came the third.

Things are different with him. We are able to talk things through. Discuss serious issues. Tell each other that you're wrong unapologetically and still managed not to fight. Things went so smooth I couldn't believe it myself!

Knowing full well of my condition with my ex, he promised that despite being a closet case, should it comes to family pressure, he would choose me over his family. The relationship went well. When I was down with depression, he saw me through it. He was there all the time to comfort me and motivate me. I started to think that this is the one! This is the person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with!

Three weeks ago, he told me that his family wanted him to get married. According to him, as much as he wanted to fulfill his family's wish, the person he wanted to marry is still me. Flattered, I am. But knowing him, deep down inside, I knew that I am slowly losing him.

Backing up the timeline to two months ago: When I got my job in KL and was offer a better salary, I started thinking about settling down. I began making plans and trying to save enough so that I could afford two important seals for a crucial life changing event. Of course, all these went silently without his knowledge.

Then the news hit. As flattered as I am with the words, I knew I would soon lose this person I loved so dearly. Lost and disappointed, my plans came to a halt.

Last week, the inevitable happened. I knew this day was coming but I didn't expected it to be this soon. He finally said it, "I decide that we break, ok?". He decided that he is going to get married. Not marrying for show, but for real. What can I say? No?

Everything came crumbling down.

A relationship that went so perfectly well is forced to end. I couldn't help but think: Why couldn't he just come out to his family?! Why can't he just marry a lesbian, or do one of those 'marriage by arrangement' thing that a lot of other people are doing? Why of all the options there are available, he has to go for the worse?! Did I do anything wrong? Am I not a good boyfriend? Or I'm not good enough?

As much as I'd like to hate him, I can't. I kept trying to tell myself to understand the position that he's in. But I can't!

The way I see it: Life is all about choices. It's the choices we make that affects us. I've learned a great deal from this experience, and choices have to be made. I think it's time to shut myself up once more. I've had enough of getting hurt and diappointed. Why the need to be Mr. Nice when at the end of the day, the big fat loser is going to be me? Why risk it?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's been a week since that incident.

Today, I was told that after thinking things through he decided that it's impossible for him to get married and asked if I still wanted him to come to KL. Will all my heart, I wanted to say yes. I do. But I really can't afford to get hurt again in the end. I'm so very afraid that he might turn around the next day and say something else again.

Since he mentioned nothing of wanting to get back together, I wouldn't dare to assume anything. I chose to be cold and he said that he feels that "no longer important" to me anymore and he shouldn't come to KL afterall. I really feel like slapping him at that very moment.

First you wanted to come and now not anymore?! What the fuck?! Can you make up your mind please?!

Dear, I'm a a point which I don't even know when to trust you anymore. How would I know that you really meant what you said? How can I be sure that you will not wake up the next day and "decide" to dump me again? This is a relationship, not the SPCA where you decide to throw a puppy away for a week and decide that you want it back again.

I think you should be really sure of what you want before you make another decision. If this is the end, so be it. But if you really wanted to take this lost puppy back again, it's time you show some effort as to where this relationship stands right now and where is it heading to. Is the puppy staying in the pound for good? Or are you taking the puppy back?

- lost puppy @ jessism © 11062007/1306207 -

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Useless

My tears had run dry; my eyes hurt. I know crying doesn't help but that's slowly becoming a habit in the past days (and nights).

I feel like a butterfly being pinned down alive. I wanted to do something about it; I know I need to get away but I couldn't move. I feel that all that's left of me right now is an empty shell. I've lost everything. my hopes, my dreams... everything!

I know I'm supposed to let go and move on but I can't. Deep down inside I still hope that all this is just an extended nightmare. One that I will wake from and things will be better again. Will things be better again?

I lie awake in bed, staring into nothingness. I miss you so much it hurts. But I couldn't make myself to pick up the phone. I' afraid. Afraid of the silence. Afraid of the things you might or might not say. Afraid that you might tell me that all these that is happening are real... My world would end. I couldn't afford that.

I still love you. I misses you so much words can't describe. Why can't you see? Why do you have to do this to me?

Lying here, I die a little more as the minute goes by, praying hard that you would come around. Then it hit me: you wouldn't care no more. Why should you? There is a whole new life waiting for you; a family to start... while I'm just a passerby who probably bares no significant.

The end is here. The curtain falls. The love which I had much hope in is gone and there is nothing left that I could do to safe it...

- jessism © 10062007 -

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Blurry

Sometimes I really don't understand why is it when there are choices to be made, the wrong ones always seem like a better choice to you?

I know you wanted to be filial but is this really the way to solve everything?

We had our share of minor misunderstandings in between but did you notice? We have never fought or argue over anything serious matter. All this while i was telling myself how happy I would be if I was able to spend my life with this person...little did I know that all it was was just castles in the clouds.

Waking up this morning, I felt lost. I can't help but wonder if all that happened in the past year were real: that karaoke room we met; lunch at the Japanese restaurant; the song recorded for me; the 11 roses I bought for you; the nights you accompanied me when I was working late... the countless memories of you and I kept floating around in my mind. Were any of them real? It's all a blur now.

My heart aches. My eyes swollen.

There are smses from my mom trying to reassure me that everything will be alright.

Will it? I don't know.

I do know that everything will never be the same again...

- jessism © 09062007 -

Friday, June 08, 2007

Shattered

The inevitable has happened. I have never expected it to be this sudden. Maybe wanting a lasting relationship is too much to ask for.

I've told myself over and over again that I should, and I would, wish you luck and all those bullcrap should it come to this. But fact is always different from fiction. I wanted to hate you but I can't; I wanted to tell myself that this is just a joke but it's not. I guess some things really are easier said than done.

I now understand the meaning of the phrase 'broken heart'. I could've sworn I heard the sound of shattered glass. My heart hurts so bad I couldn't breath. I just wanted some sort of relief.

How do you mend a broken heart? I guess you can't, can you?

Before you fall in love, read the fine prints of all the promises made. Else, this is what you will get when you love someone with all your heart: A broken heart and a shattered dream.

-jessism © 08062007-

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Rings

I never knew that there are different sizes for rings until today!

Wondering what to get for my boyfriend for our anniversary, and with my laziness to out shopping, I decided to do everything online this year. Browsing through online catalogues, I found a site which sells gorgeous combination rings. Rings can be combined into one! How cool is that?! Everything I see also I like, but it's damn expensive! Anyway, browsing through the collection, I saw a field that says: "RING SIZE". My first reaction was "what the f**k?! Ring size?!"

Please tell me that I'm not the only idiot in town who doesn't know about this! How many of you out there really do know that there are different sizes for ring? I don't! Heck, I don't even know my ring size! Imagine the embarrassment I'll have to endure when I go to a shop and the sales person asks me what's my size. "Erm.. I don't know." So I decided to do some read up about it.

For those of you who are too chicken-shit to admit you dunno that ring comes in different sizes and those of you who don't know your size, this is how you measure it. Cut a strip of paper and wrap it around the base of your finger. Mark the spot where the paper overlaps to form a complete circle and measure the length.

Knowing how to measure the ring size, I just have to try it out. So I cut the piece of paper, and started doing the measurement. The length I got was 55.0. OK... now what?! It's not in the chart. Does 0.6mm make any difference? Or can I safely say that my ring size is 7 1/2? I dunno. Instead of helping me solve my problem, the measurement just confuses me further.

Does the chart above really works? What is your ring size?

- jessism © 31052007 -