Dilemma

I'm a very very personal person. My private life is extremely private to me. I not just hate, I despise people sharing things about me and discussing things that I share with them in confidence with others.

I may seem very outgoing most of the time but it is, in fact, a mask that I’m slowly getting used to putting it on every time of the day. It is whenever I’m back at the comfort of my own shell that I could finally take the heavy and tiring mask off and be my own usual self. However, the price to pay is high. I’m usually very tired at the end of the day and there is barely enough energy in me to have any of my me time before I either doze off out of exhaustion, or mentally convince myself to get some rest because tomorrow is going to be another tiring day that I would have to put the mask right back on.

Those who know me personally must be wondering: How can that be? He seems to be very happy all the time and is always someone we could count on and go to! He’s not that kind of a person!

Well, I hate to break it to you. I am that kind of a person.

Like I mentioned, I don’t like sharing about my personal life. And to make matters worse, I'm a Cancerian that also have trust issues. I do not trust anyone with any information on anything that is personal about me. So when I finally think that I’ve build that trust with a certain someone, finally open up, and that person goes right ahead and break that trust by spreading out what I’ve shared, there's never going to be any form of turning back. At the same time, the shell on my back became harder, and heavier for me to bear. So much that sometimes I feel like I can no longer carry it another step further.

This post is not meant for any readers out there to understand or know me better but more of a rant. There has been a lot of things going on lately that is really stressing me out badly. I have noticed that the stress is starting to take a negative toll on me physically and mentally. I haven’t been eating well, sleeping well, I’m constantly feeling down and my stress level is off the hook.

Most of the time I would I just wanted to hide in the comfort of my room, under the safe surrounding of my sheets and spend the day just doing nothing in particular. But even this, I have been lately been deprived of. And it has been driving me crazy.

I really don’t want to feel this way and I definitely don’t want to live a life like this. Time waits for no one; with age catching up fast on me, time is really something that I don’t have the luxury of wasting. There are decisions that I would have to make. Regardless whichever road I take, it will definitely hurt. Question to myself now is: How long should I continue dragging when I know that it is going to be bad? And how many innocent people would have to suffer along with me while I spread my negativity? Sigh…