Loss

It hadn't been easy. For years I've been struggling with it and I always thought that I could contain it, that I would be able to control it but the sad truth is: I can't. And I'm slowly losing that battle. 

In the past, I attempted to end things. Obviously, I failed. Perhaps the forces at work is telling me that it's not my time just yet.

How many knew about this? None.

I've been living with a mask for as long as I could remember. A mask that I created so that I could fit in. Something that won't let anyone know that I'm different. It's tiring. Sometimes it wears me down, and when it did, all I had to do was to sleep it off. All I need to do is sleep my day away on a weekend, storing enough energy for me to go on the following week. 

Sometimes I would feel so drained that I would just crash right after work. It's like my body running low on battery and shuts down. 

A rough month ago, the need of shutting down become increasingly frequent, and it's wearing me down even more. I began to feel detached. It's like I'm standing on the outside looking in. It's like I'm just an observer of what is going on around me. All it's becoming more taxing to put the masks on. It drains me so much that I started to lose interest in everything. Every day became increasingly tough, and it's just about trying to get by and make it to the end of the day, so that I could have some me time.

Three weeks ago, the worse happened. Getting by is just not working anymore. Before I knew it, the numbness took over. I suddenly couldn't feel any emotions that I should be feeling. The sitcom I love looked so much like my surroundings. Everybody is having fun and enjoying and I'm just an observer on the other side of the screen, looking in. 

I started to lose interest in everything around me, and all I wanted to do is to be alone. Alone in my own world where I don't have to go around pleasing anyone or care about anybody's feelings or fit in... on my bed, under the comfort of my blanket. I don't feel like talking or to anyone, do anything, or even think. Just blank.

I slowly noticed that my memory started to fade as well. I can't really remember what I had for lunch or dinner the day before, and then it became increasingly clear when I can't recall what I was doing earlier that same day.

Two weeks ago, I started to wonder what's the point of all this. No one will ever understand this and no one cares. In fact, I don't need anyone to care. I just wanted to be normal. To fit in. To be like everyone else. Maybe things would be better in another life. Maybe if I could uninstall and hit the restart button, I could start things over. You know, get a better character or avatar that is normal, more likeable, and able to fit in, just like a mobile game. Yes, I was on another verge...

That's when I knew I'm losing the battle. I needed help. A part of me knows that this time, if it happens, it's not going to be an attempt...