Loss

It hadn't been easy. For years I've been struggling with it and I always thought that I could contain it, that I would be able to control it but the sad truth is: I can't. And I'm slowly losing that battle. 

In the past, I attempted to end things. Obviously, I failed. Perhaps the forces at work is telling me that it's not my time just yet.

How many knew about this? None.

I've been living with a mask for as long as I could remember. A mask that I created so that I could fit in. Something that won't let anyone know that I'm different. It's tiring. Sometimes it wears me down, and when it did, all I had to do was to sleep it off. All I need to do is sleep my day away on a weekend, storing enough energy for me to go on the following week. 

Sometimes I would feel so drained that I would just crash right after work. It's like my body running low on battery and shuts down. 

A rough month ago, the need of shutting down become increasingly frequent, and it's wearing me down even more. I began to feel detached. It's like I'm standing on the outside looking in. It's like I'm just an observer of what is going on around me. All it's becoming more taxing to put the masks on. It drains me so much that I started to lose interest in everything. Every day became increasingly tough, and it's just about trying to get by and make it to the end of the day, so that I could have some me time.

Three weeks ago, the worse happened. Getting by is just not working anymore. Before I knew it, the numbness took over. I suddenly couldn't feel any emotions that I should be feeling. The sitcom I love looked so much like my surroundings. Everybody is having fun and enjoying and I'm just an observer on the other side of the screen, looking in. 

I started to lose interest in everything around me, and all I wanted to do is to be alone. Alone in my own world where I don't have to go around pleasing anyone or care about anybody's feelings or fit in... on my bed, under the comfort of my blanket. I don't feel like talking or to anyone, do anything, or even think. Just blank.

I slowly noticed that my memory started to fade as well. I can't really remember what I had for lunch or dinner the day before, and then it became increasingly clear when I can't recall what I was doing earlier that same day.

Two weeks ago, I started to wonder what's the point of all this. No one will ever understand this and no one cares. In fact, I don't need anyone to care. I just wanted to be normal. To fit in. To be like everyone else. Maybe things would be better in another life. Maybe if I could uninstall and hit the restart button, I could start things over. You know, get a better character or avatar that is normal, more likeable, and able to fit in, just like a mobile game. Yes, I was on another verge...

That's when I knew I'm losing the battle. I needed help. A part of me knows that this time, if it happens, it's not going to be an attempt...

Shut

So for gawdknows how many times this year, it came back again. I know it's much worse than the previous times because this time around, I'm complete numb. I could barely feel the sense of any emotion when I should be and it's draining a lot more of my energy than usual when I'm out with that mask I put on when I'm around people.

I'm constantly tired and stressed out and this time around, I really don't know what I could do. I feel like an empty shell. I know that I'm in that shell but somehow, that shell seems to be broken. It's not functioning the way it used to and I'm detached from everything. The world could be burning down and I still won't give a shit about it.

This is no longer a shitting out process. It's slowly shutting down.

Dilemma

I'm a very very personal person. My private life is extremely private to me. I not just hate, I despise people sharing things about me and discussing things that I share with them in confidence with others.

I may seem very outgoing most of the time but it is, in fact, a mask that I’m slowly getting used to putting it on every time of the day. It is whenever I’m back at the comfort of my own shell that I could finally take the heavy and tiring mask off and be my own usual self. However, the price to pay is high. I’m usually very tired at the end of the day and there is barely enough energy in me to have any of my me time before I either doze off out of exhaustion, or mentally convince myself to get some rest because tomorrow is going to be another tiring day that I would have to put the mask right back on.

Those who know me personally must be wondering: How can that be? He seems to be very happy all the time and is always someone we could count on and go to! He’s not that kind of a person!

Well, I hate to break it to you. I am that kind of a person.

Like I mentioned, I don’t like sharing about my personal life. And to make matters worse, I'm a Cancerian that also have trust issues. I do not trust anyone with any information on anything that is personal about me. So when I finally think that I’ve build that trust with a certain someone, finally open up, and that person goes right ahead and break that trust by spreading out what I’ve shared, there's never going to be any form of turning back. At the same time, the shell on my back became harder, and heavier for me to bear. So much that sometimes I feel like I can no longer carry it another step further.

This post is not meant for any readers out there to understand or know me better but more of a rant. There has been a lot of things going on lately that is really stressing me out badly. I have noticed that the stress is starting to take a negative toll on me physically and mentally. I haven’t been eating well, sleeping well, I’m constantly feeling down and my stress level is off the hook.

Most of the time I would I just wanted to hide in the comfort of my room, under the safe surrounding of my sheets and spend the day just doing nothing in particular. But even this, I have been lately been deprived of. And it has been driving me crazy.

I really don’t want to feel this way and I definitely don’t want to live a life like this. Time waits for no one; with age catching up fast on me, time is really something that I don’t have the luxury of wasting. There are decisions that I would have to make. Regardless whichever road I take, it will definitely hurt. Question to myself now is: How long should I continue dragging when I know that it is going to be bad? And how many innocent people would have to suffer along with me while I spread my negativity? Sigh…

Empty, Angry, Numb

I thought I was getting better.

I've been trying very hard to claw my way out of that dark hole that I was in for the past few days. And just when I thought that I was seeing light at the end of that tunnel today. Or at least what I thought it was, then I got hit by an unnecessary beam and fell further into the depths.

For no reason I cried myself to sleep this afternoon, only to wake up to an even more emptier, angrier version of me.

I don't know what I want, I don't know what I could do. So I ended up curling under the comforting sense of my blanket for the past five hours or so, feeling empty, angry, numb.

I don't know how much longer I need, or if I'm even able to find my way out. I really don't. I don't even know if I can..

It's so hard to breathe it times I just wish that that the world could just shut the fuck up...or maybe it's me that don't belong? Perhaps I am the one who should just shut the hell up and dissolve into nothingness.