Guilty Pleasure

Fallen sick over the past few days brought back my insomnia.

Unlike the times when Kenny was around, which I would sleep like a baby through the night regardless of whatsoever nightmare or discomfort I was feeling, I can't seem to get back to sleep these days. I'd be wide awake and just stare at the ceiling.

It's true when people say that your mind wanders when you can't sleep.

Two nights ago, I got up and i couldn't sleep. I thought of the guardian angel who watches over me when I was a kid -- she (I think... cos I'd usually just see a white phantom figure) would always appear when I was sick, and I will be better the day after. Even though i was thinking of her, she didn't appear that night.

The night after, I can't seem to get myself back to sleep after I got up. I started reading. It wasn't until 6am in the morning that I got tired and fall back to sleep. Then last night, the inevitable happened: Kenny popped back in my head.

As much as I hate to admit it, Kenny is always there somewhere in the back of my head. Mostly to remind me what an idiot I was to believe in him and what an ass he is. But last night, for some twisted reasons, I really wished that he was there with me, lying by my side, telling me that everything's gonna be alright, as he used to do, and hugged me back to sleep. It suddenly hit me that I might never find another who knows me so well like he does. Anxiety starts to kick in.

The devil in me kept telling me that I should make him pay for what he did, making him suffer more than what he did to me. The angel in me reminded me of the Xanax I have stashed away for moments like this. Then my conscience fought back, telling the two to shut the hell up so that I can get back to sleep.

As the three battles away, memories of how Kenny used to cheer me up with his (sometimes silly) antics, crept in. Tears began to roll down unknowingly. I can't tell whether the tears were there because I miss him, or just tears of happiness. i let them be...

I close my eyes. Tuned out all the noises around, and I indulged in the memento I have left playing in my head, and slowly, I drifted back to sleep...

- a distressed puppy © 12112007 -