Clausula

When I learned that I'm gay, and what that word actually meant, I thought the hardest part would be to come out to your friends and family. The of course there's the part on how the society would see you.

But I had it easy. Coming out to my family was a walk down the park. As for the society? Why should I care? They're not the boss of me!

I've recently learned that the hardest thing being gay is the uncertainty that lies ahead. Shit happens when you're gay. Things that you wouldn't expect. Kids in school who are slightly sissy (as compared to other boys), are called names, teased on, and even bullied. Then there's also chances that you might be beaten up by gay bashers. In Malaysia, there's no discrimination law protecting homosexuals. With the odds against people like us, most prefer to stay in the closet.

When I first broke up with my first ex, I told myself I would never date another paranoid closet case. Dating someone who is constantly afraid that a friend of a friend of a friend might see us going out for a movie or a meal is just too taxing.

With my second, he is closeted but at least not a paranoid case like the first. But not long into our relationship, not only did he told me that someday he will get married if the parents wanted him to, he also cheated on me. Needless to say, we broke up. Then came the third.

Things are different with him. We are able to talk things through. Discuss serious issues. Tell each other that you're wrong unapologetically and still managed not to fight. Things went so smooth I couldn't believe it myself!

Knowing full well of my condition with my ex, he promised that despite being a closet case, should it comes to family pressure, he would choose me over his family. The relationship went well. When I was down with depression, he saw me through it. He was there all the time to comfort me and motivate me. I started to think that this is the one! This is the person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with!

Three weeks ago, he told me that his family wanted him to get married. According to him, as much as he wanted to fulfill his family's wish, the person he wanted to marry is still me. Flattered, I am. But knowing him, deep down inside, I knew that I am slowly losing him.

Backing up the timeline to two months ago: When I got my job in KL and was offer a better salary, I started thinking about settling down. I began making plans and trying to save enough so that I could afford two important seals for a crucial life changing event. Of course, all these went silently without his knowledge.

Then the news hit. As flattered as I am with the words, I knew I would soon lose this person I loved so dearly. Lost and disappointed, my plans came to a halt.

Last week, the inevitable happened. I knew this day was coming but I didn't expected it to be this soon. He finally said it, "I decide that we break, ok?". He decided that he is going to get married. Not marrying for show, but for real. What can I say? No?

Everything came crumbling down.

A relationship that went so perfectly well is forced to end. I couldn't help but think: Why couldn't he just come out to his family?! Why can't he just marry a lesbian, or do one of those 'marriage by arrangement' thing that a lot of other people are doing? Why of all the options there are available, he has to go for the worse?! Did I do anything wrong? Am I not a good boyfriend? Or I'm not good enough?

As much as I'd like to hate him, I can't. I kept trying to tell myself to understand the position that he's in. But I can't!

The way I see it: Life is all about choices. It's the choices we make that affects us. I've learned a great deal from this experience, and choices have to be made. I think it's time to shut myself up once more. I've had enough of getting hurt and diappointed. Why the need to be Mr. Nice when at the end of the day, the big fat loser is going to be me? Why risk it?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's been a week since that incident.

Today, I was told that after thinking things through he decided that it's impossible for him to get married and asked if I still wanted him to come to KL. Will all my heart, I wanted to say yes. I do. But I really can't afford to get hurt again in the end. I'm so very afraid that he might turn around the next day and say something else again.

Since he mentioned nothing of wanting to get back together, I wouldn't dare to assume anything. I chose to be cold and he said that he feels that "no longer important" to me anymore and he shouldn't come to KL afterall. I really feel like slapping him at that very moment.

First you wanted to come and now not anymore?! What the fuck?! Can you make up your mind please?!

Dear, I'm a a point which I don't even know when to trust you anymore. How would I know that you really meant what you said? How can I be sure that you will not wake up the next day and "decide" to dump me again? This is a relationship, not the SPCA where you decide to throw a puppy away for a week and decide that you want it back again.

I think you should be really sure of what you want before you make another decision. If this is the end, so be it. But if you really wanted to take this lost puppy back again, it's time you show some effort as to where this relationship stands right now and where is it heading to. Is the puppy staying in the pound for good? Or are you taking the puppy back?

- lost puppy @ jessism © 11062007/1306207 -